Young Abe Lincoln Vs. The Haunted Wooden Teeth of George Washington

A little known true fact of history, buried deep within many historical texts that chronicled things that happened before now (i.e., history) is the subject of this writing of truth today.

Before Young Abe Lincoln became PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN-MAN, he was just a boy growing up in Springfield, IL (as seen on the historical CW show SPRINGFIELD). Not sure from whence he came, but knowing he was different, Abe would often save lives and prevent disasters both natural and supernatural in secret. (This was before he grew his beard, mind you.)

One of his greatest adventures is the one in which the town of Springfield was attacked by none other than the haunted wooden teeth of George Washington. Being as he was the father of our nation (even though he was sterile, which raises many theological questions), the world of the USA was shocked at the news that his teeth were evil.

Young Abe, using his cunning and secret karate skills (as taught to him by Paul Bunyan during Forest Camp), discovered that while, yes, the wooden teeth did indeed used to be in the mouth of God’s America’s first official president, they were not possessed by Washington himself!

After using what passed for the internet back in them olden times (smoke signals, peyote, and mice with notes written on hemp paper tied to them) to do intense research, Young Abe discovered that there had been a struggle on the Rainbow Bridge (the bridge that connects Asgard, the world of the Norse gods, with earth — know your geography) between the ascending spirit of George Washington and… the then-future ghost of Adolf Hitler!!!

Washington had been bested in the battle, though only through Hitler fighting dirty (of course). Hitler then possessed Washington’s wooden teeth and sent them back to earth to destroy the hometowns of future great leaders — hence the attack on Young Abe’s Springfield.

As you have no doubt guessed (or remember if you made it past middle school), Young Abe defeated the Hitler-possessed wooden teeth of George Washington by inventing fire, which he used to burn them to undeath.

And that’s why Washington, once he reached Asgard, implored Odin, king shit of the gods, to make sure Young Abe grew up to be president of the the U.S. of A as soon as he was capable of growing a beard.

And that’s… one to grow on, so… now you know the more you know. And knowing is half the battle. Amen.

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