There’s An App For That

Want to find out what kind of burritos “Humble Bob” Shoudt ate when he won the 2009 World Burrito Eating Championship by eating 331/2 of this mystery kind of burrito in ten minutes? Chicken? Beef? Carnitas?? Bean??? There’s an app for that.

Need to figure out what happened to your dignity after ten 40 oz’s of Mickey’s on ECW and $5 Little Caesars pizza night last week? There’s an app for that.

Ever wondered what happened to the guy who played Schneider on One Day At A Time? There’s an app for that.

Want to bake a quiche but have no eggs yet stubbornly refuse to give up on baking this quiche that now haunts your every moment to the point that you start wondering if there is some other ingredient in your house, perhaps Kraft American Cheese Slices or butter or soap or cork that you could use as a substitute for the eggs for the quiche you want to bake? There’s an app for that.

Ever thought about teaching yourself how to kangaroo-style box Andy Richter in some kind of underground boxing ring? There’s an app for that.

Tired of that bumpy backed freak, that– that furry flying dragon pervert Falcor not getting back to you about movie night this Thursday? There’s an app for that.

Want to know what that smell is? There’s… yeah… an app for that.

Troubled by the fact that your God has forsaken you and everything you believe in because, what? I mean, why? Because you made some bad decisions? Because you zigged when you should’ve zagged? Because you wore track pants and a button-up shirt at the same time that one time? There’s, siiiiigh, an app for that.

Are you a little writer-type who is writing some silly bloggy post and wondering if the idea is simply unoriginal or if it’s completely fucking unoriginal? There’s… an… app… zzzzzzz…

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