Do you ever watch CSI: Miami? The one with the ginger dude who should be living in a swampy bog somewhere, not in a sunny place like Miami? I don’t. I don’t know anyone who does. Yet it’s, I think, the most watched show in the world.
Do you ever wish you were Paul Rudd? Because I do. Not all the time, but sometimes. Well, all the time, but I don’t THINK about it all the time. He’s just so damn funny — and also, by most standards, handsome. Funny AND handsome? What the hell? That’s absurd. So, I kind of want to BE him. But then I get lost watching him in movies and think… do I want to BE him? Or be WITH him? Am I in love with Paul Rudd? Suddenly my world is all topsy turvy. Dammit, Paul Rudd! Ya’ got me all confused!
Do you ever think you should know more about the real world? I wish that sometimes. I know about comics and movies and whatnot — even comics I haven’t read and movies I haven’t seen. But do I know about that healthcare bill stuff? No. And I should because I need some healthcare! And, what, is the environment still in trouble? Or are we not worrying about that anymore? What about cell phones? Do they cause brain tumors? I don’t know! I do know that Dick Grayson is now Batman in the comics. How does that help me?
Do you ever feel sorry for Brandon Routh? He’s the guy that played Superman in Superman Returns. Man, when word of that movie first came out, everyone was so excited. You know who was probably most excited? Brandon Routh. An unknown actor cast in a HUGE movie from a famous director — playing the greatest superhero — no! The greatest fictional character of all time. Stardom was just around the corner. Then the movie… didn’t tank or anything, but it didn’t do well enough. No one was fired up about it. Now many people downright hate it. And where is Brandon? He’s still acting, but he’s not a huge star. I just kind of feel sorry for him.
Do you ever wonder why the hell you feel sorry for Brandon Routh? I do! I mean, he’s doing fine. He’s handsome, married to a cute lady, acting steadily. I’m the asshole with no steady paycheck, typing silly blogs in bed at 1:07 PM on a Tuesday afternoon when I should be working on stuff that pays or something. Who am I to pity Brandon Routh? He doesn’t need my pity!
Do you ever wish you could travel through time and set your younger self on a better track? You know I wish this, people. My answer has been “yes” to all of my questions (except for the CSI: Miami one). Man, I mean, I’m doing okay, but there are so many dumb choices I made that… if only a future version of me had told me to zig instead of zag a couple of times. I might be wearing a tie right now. Married? Maybe. I dunno. Rich? Possibly. And how selfish is that? All the things that could be done with time travel, and I’m just thinking of myself. Dammit, lack of time travel!
Do you ever think you could be a great dancer if you just relaxed? I totally could be, man. Not a bad dancer now, but… I could be so great. Graceful, even. If I could just relax.