Hypocritical About Hamburgers

So, my parents’ house is right by/kinda on my uncle’s farm. There be cows there sometimes, nearby anyway. One time I was awakened by the weirdest noises I’d ever done heard. The cows were mooing and talking to each other. It was quite interesting.

At some point during that day, I probably had red meat — either a hamburger or hotdog or pizza topping.

When I mentioned this cow alarm clock later, more fascinated than made sense to anyone else, I was told they really get loud when it’s time to take the baby calves away. They just moo and moan and go crazy.

And they cry.

I mean, not like “boo hoo” crying as we humans do (well, the non-male ones, anyway — JK! JK!), but apparently the momma cows moo cow tears when their kids are taken away from them. This should not have taken me aback so, but in my head, where I mostly live, all my food only exists as food. I get a burger, and it’s just some magic created by the delicious food faeries from the days of yore.

There have been many times in my life where I’ve thought about giving up all meat, red meat in particular. Mainly for health reasons. But then I found out the momma cows cry. Health, schmealth — this just felt mean.

So I decided to stop eating red meat right then and there… well, right after I finished my pepperoni and sausage pizza and there.

No more red meat. Chicken? Sure. Them dummies don’t cry. Fish neither. They got no emotions. Pigs… ? Um, I’ve never seen BABE, so I assume they — okay, no pigs either. I know they cry and have feelings because I’ve not only seen the CHARLOTTE’S WEB cartoon and read the book (probably), I also played Templeton the Rat in a college play. (The costume ruled.)

I didn’t do this “no red meat for me thing” in a smug way, judging others. I just felt so darn bad for the momma cows. And for, oh, about two weeks, I was strong. Red meatless (pork just isn’t a white meat, right?) and strong!

Then I went to a cookout, and my friend was making his famous “Awesome Burgers.” Everyone told me they were awesome, hence the name. I asked why they were awesome, and it was just reitertated as fact. I had to try one. The first one was so delicious I then had to eat another.

I’m a bastard. A weak-willed bastard.

But… now… no more red meat! I shall eat no cows because I don’t want the momma cows to cry. Well… I’ll do my best to eat no red meat. Unless it is a key ingredient in an Awesome Burger, which probably will only happen maybe once a year or so.

No! I’ll… no more red meat for me. … Probably.

Wait, what about milk and cheese? Do baby cows have to be taken away from momma cows for milk and cheese related reasons, too?

I’m sorry, momma cows.

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