A real email some asshole (me) sent to all the employees of a company that once employed him:
[COMPANY NAME REDACTED], and, indeed, all of [PARENT COMPANY NAME REDACTED], has been going green for some time now, and that’s wonderful, as we all live on this planet, so best not to destroy it. One of the ways we’re doing this is by using less disposable kitchen items. As such, many of us bring in our own utensils, mugs, bowls, and plates.
However, if you did not bring your own, say, bowl or spoon into the office, consider not using one that just happens to be in the kitchen, as logic dictates that was brought in by someone else. Yes, we could label our kitchenware, perhaps with markers or even colorful stickers for maximum fancifulness, but consider this: if you didn’t bring in a particular kitchen item, you know it’s not yours — whether it’s labeled or not.
Now, one or two (or some higher number) pantries allegedly stock kitchenware for anyone to use, but not all of them, which causes the classic comedy trope of confusion. If you are not sure if the kitchenware in your nearest pantry is for everyone but are in dire need of a bowl or spoon or even a fork, then at least wash and return the borrowed items as soon as you are finished with them.
This kitchenware nightmare hit home this very morning as I prepared to eat my Trader Joe’s oatmeal only to discover the vessel in which I would make it (my bowl) and the tool I’d use to get the oatmeal from said bowl to my mouth (my spoon) had both disappeared from the kitchen, where they were drying after I washed them yesterday.
It’s pretty disappointing to have to say this, but, here goes… Please don’t take stuff that doesn’t belong to you.
Believe in your dreams (even though they’ll never come true),
Drone, Sector 7G
The postscript to this is that my bowl and spoon were never returned. This caused me to not just use disposable eating utensils, plates, cups, and bowls in retaliation but to ONLY use disposable eating utensils, plates, cups, and bowls in retaliation in an effort to actually destroy the earth. It got to the point where I’d use a different spoon for every bite of cereal. It was insane! And, as alluded to in the title of this post, there were consequences…
All of this could’ve been avoided, bowl and spoon thief. It didn’t have to go down this way.