Conan went out with a great show, and this final speech is wonderful. Yes, I realize that this whole story isn’t important in the grand scheme of things, but the sentiment here is indeed important and well said.

Ninja with a mustache,

your hairy lip aids you in the kicking

of ass.

-

Whatever your reason for growing your ‘stache,

it works for you.

I say this true blue.

-

Show off your ‘stache,

and cut a ‘stache hole in  your mask…

In fear your enemies will bask.

-

Show off that sweet hairy lip…

Oh! And when you kick,

remember to pivot with your hip.

-

Look, put that razor down.

Without that godgiven ‘stache,

you look like an child clown.

-

Ninja, sweet mustchioed ninja,

you beautiful bastard,

don’t ever give up the dream.

-

Shaving your lip,

won’t make your enemies scream

… in terror.

On this day of thanks, when all of us but the vegetarians and vegans and non-Americans are eating turkey, I wanted to rock some positivity and write about five things that I’m thankful for right now in this misadventure that is currently my life…

1. I’m preemptively thankful that today I’m going to eat the fuck outta some turkey and the hell outta some sides and the crap outta some pie today. Seriously, when I’m doing eating, there will be no more fuck left in that turkey, no more hell left in the sides, and no crap left in the pie. Woo!!!

2. I’m thankful that no one seems to hate me anymore. Well, there’s that one… but, well, no one where I live or with whom I communicate on a regular or semi-regular basis. That’s good, because I surprisingly, despite my behavior, don’t like being hated.

3. I’m equally thankful that I  don’t currently hate anyone. That’s a big deal. Carrying that crap around is exhausting, so it’s a relief to be hate-free. Life is short, so forgive what you can and just move on. That’s my unsolicited advice.

4. Boy am I thankful that robots haven’t taken over the earth and enslaved the human race. Today wouldn’t be any fun at all if we were doing backbreaking labor per the orders of our robot overlords instead of stuffing our faces with family and loved ones. Wait… that read wrong. I’m not referring to cannibalism. I mean… stuffing our faces with good food whilst being around our family and loved ones. Sans slavery under robots. Thanks for that.

5. I’m very thankful that, despite everything that’s gone wrong or been tough for me this year,  I still have hope. It’s a good emotion, and one that I used to lack a bit. It’s easy for me to get down, especially when things have gone the way they’ve gone this year past, but I’m hopeful for the future. That’s a big thing to be thankful for (or, more formally, “for which to be thankful.)

Eat lots of turkey and stuffing and pie, readers! Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Want to own all four seasons of the new Doctor Who, but those ridiculous $80 to $100 for each season stopping you? Just saw that today, on Amazon, every season is 59% off! That’s about $33 each, which is actually reasonable! Does a deal like this supersede lack of job or money? I mean… there’s always credit!

It’s a Friday the 13th miracle!

This is a pretty good question, in my humble opinion, and I cannot believe no one has ever asked it before. Indeed, what does one do when life says, “Here are some lemons, person”?

I suggest the following:

1. Get a knife and a cutting board.
2. Cut the lemon into four wedges.
3. Get a glass.
4. Put ice in the glass.
5. Pour water into the glass with the ice already in it.
6. Take one of the four lemon wedges into your hands by picking it up.
7. Squeeze the lemon juice from said wedge into the glass of water and ice.
8. Drop the wedge right into the glass containing ice and water and lemon juice.
9. Fucking throw the other three lemon wedges away before they attract fruit flies or something.
10. Enjoy a refreshing ice cold glass of lemon water.

You’re welcome.