This morning I had scrambled egg whites (for my heart) and breakfast potatoes (for my taste buds). Oh… and bacon. Does that defeat the point of the egg whites? Do they balance each other out? I always order bacon last. I have the good intentions, then… dammit, bacon.

I sometimes decide I don’t care. Eff this health stuff, because the rules are always changing. Different doctors say different things. Eggs are good. Eggs are bad. Bacon is the devil. Bacon cures sadness. Who the hell knows? My guess is no one. New information crops up discounting the way we’ve lived, and then we have to change to the new rules until the new rules become the old rules and suddenly we’re supposed to put salt on everything and not wear condoms and ban seat belts and encourage beer and smoking.

So, a couple of weeks ago, after a blood test revealed I had crazy high triglycerides, I decided to get healthy. Then I realized through recent experience that there are some things we just can’t control and decided to eat what I want because I’m not in control of anything anyway. No reason to fake it. Might as well try to eat happiness.

But, just in case, I bought some red yeast rice and fish oil pills (for cholesterol and heart health or something). Supposed to help, the doctor suggested I should probably get some prescription for real medicine, not hippy dippy crap. But I hate the thought of having to take a pill every day, especially if one day my health insurance ends, and then what? Of course, those red yeast rice and fish oil pills aren’t cheap, and I have to take two and three of them respectively each day. So… what was my point?

One fear is that triglyceride medications like Tricor might affect the liver, which I need for my drinkin’. Oh, and alcohol raises triglycerides, so… wait.

Part of me thinks I should just get rid of all my smiles (bacon, booze, cheese, fried things) and replace them with some prescription medication that future science will probably either discount or discover causes brain bleeding or eye warts or genital disintegration or something.

I wish I didn’t know just enough to confuse me or upset me. Ignorance would be bliss. And I could enjoy it with bacon, which would be blissfully delicious.

Ah! It’s 8:08 AM! I’m just out of bed now even though I done set my alarm for 7:00 AM! Hurry, hurry, work, work work workworkhurrywork!

Nearly every single damn morning. How is it my body’s infernal clock isn’t used to this, huh? Makes not a lick of sense. Like most of us, I’ve had to wake up at a certain time that is earlier than I seem to want to wake up for about all of my life. Yet it’s still a struggle.

The onlines (also known as the interwebnets) has some tips on waking up on time. Various sites saying about the same things with the same amusing lack of profundity or helpfulness.

1. Get enough sleep. Oh, really? So, wait… to not be tired, I just need to sleep more. Perfect! Thanks, experts!

2. Go to sleep at the same time every night. I kind of do… It’s just that that same time is kind of late.

3. Don’t drink to fall asleep. Um… that’s stupid advice. It’s like saying don’t drink to smile.

4. Avoid eating before bed. This is just inaccurate. Hasn’t science accepted the concept of “tummy tiredness.” A surefire way to sleep is to eat lots. Combining this and what they say not to do in step 3 is about the only way I ever drift off to night-night.

5. Think differently than D.J. Kirkbride. Ah, there you go. Here it is. Yep. Don’t let your brain be like mine. That is sound advice.

6. Put your alarm clock in a place where you have to get out of bed to turn it off. Ah, this is interesting advice. And the sound of a good alarm is something you can’t sleep through because, well, onto number 7…

7. Choose a really annoying alarm. I do have that. I mean, anything gets annoying when it’s an alarm waking you up for a day of cubicle sitting, but this one “melody” on my crap cell phone really does the trick… until I turn it off and go back to sleep.

8. Be a responsible adult and just get up. Ah… hm. Uh. Hmph.

Anyway, eight is enough since, due to my not waking, I should really be in a rush to get to work, not writing a bloggy thing for reasons unknown.

Maybe… maybe tomorrow I’ll have a chipper morn. There’s always tomorrow. Until the aliens come back to reclaim their pet planet.