I’d been on a hunt for new shirts for a long damn while, but it seems like most of humanity changed shape slightly over the years, making it impossible for me to find shirts that fit. (I assume it was everyone else who changed and not me, because there wasn’t a rash of shirtlessness on the streets as far as I could tell.) Nothing in the XL range fit me, and I refused to move up to XXL, even though my body has been swelling this past decade.

This body-swelling is why I’d been moving up in clothing sizes for a few years now, but a while back I declared no more! I would refuse to go up in any more sizes! I’d either have to get my manboobs under control or just wear old, worn out shirts; I’d either have to get my gut in check or wear too-tight jeans that hurt me physically as well as emotionally!

Last week it got critical when I bent my arms and tore holes in the elbows of one of my three “almost-fitting” shirts Hulk-style. Another shirt had had a similar fate not long ago. It was a near-panic moment, and a trip to the store was necessary. I’m not comfortable going topless at a beach, let alone at work.

So… shopping. It’s a nightmare for me. Everything is too expensive, even on the sales racks. The styles seem to have left me behind in the late 90s. And, as stated previously, nothing ever fits — at least in the size I’m willing to buy. I felt like Phillip Seymor Hoffman’s character trying on fine Italian shirts with Marky Mark and Dr. Steve Brule. (That depressing tug over the gut breaks my heart every time.) My long-suffering ladyfriend went with me to help me out, but her spirits were quickly crushed by my crushed spirits, as is often the case.

Though the shirt situation was dire, I declared shopping a waste of time and was about to leave when she insisted upon one more store…

And, would you believe it? Success! Right to the sales racks, and there were shirts she liked and I kinda liked, so I was willing to try them on. They were “vintage fit,” which in my day meant, “for skinny people,” but something has happened as the years ticked by! Apparently, vintage had gone from slender waifs to barrel-chested husky dudes! This is why no other shirts fit me! Vintage is the new normal, so now normal is vintage!

It was a happy time. My moobs and gut fit in the shirt well, and it was were cheap, so I got another in a different color, too. What a relief. No need to go skins to my coworkers’ shirts. XL vintage! Who’d a thunk it? Kinda felt okay.

Then, this morning, I cut the tag off of one of my new shirts and saw… XXL. Son of a bitch. How had I missed that? Here I was all excited that I fit into XL and amused that my fat size was now Vintage, and… the dreaded two X’s.

Did my ladyfriend see this and sneak it by me in desparation and fear I’d continue down this shirt-destroying path? Or will she be as surprised as me when I whine to her about it after work today? Yeah, the shirts fit, but I’d sworn to not go this route. This way lies me just eating more and more until all I can fit into are the pleated jeans and Cosby sweaters at the big ‘n tall stores! (Why, big ‘n tall? Why? We big fellas like cool clothes, too.)

So, all my theories about Vintage being the new normal and all that shit… probably not. I just accidentally went up in size. Like I’d promised myself I wouldn’t. It’s better than wearing post-Hulk-out shirts at work, but still… XXL. Dammit.

I guess that makes this morning’s breakfast burrito okay, though… gotta fill out that extra “X” now… XXXL, I’ll see you in a couple years!

My love of anthologies relates to my love of comics, too. In the way, way back of 2007, Mark Andrew Smith and Joe Keatinge were putting together a giant comic book anthology called POPGUN and asked me to join them as an assistant editor (full co-editor for volumes 3 and 4) and contributing writer.  It was an ideal way for me to start my career in comics, which had been a goal of mine since I was a kid.

One of my favorite features of the POPGUN books is that there is no theme. Themes can help tie an anthology together, letting the reader know, at least superficially, what kind of stories to expect — no theme, though, made each turn of the page a surprise. To me, it was the greatest feature of POPGUN, even if it’s a sticking point for some readers. Personally, I love the surprises, and we kept that love of the unknown and celebration of variety going for all four of the volumes to date. Working on the books also introduced me to a number of creators I might not have discovered otherwise.

Though I retired from the editing team of POPGUN with volume 4, I still love anthologies as a reader. When Dark Horse brought back DARK HORSE PRESENTS, the prospect of a monthly anthology, smaller and cheaper than the behemouth POPGUN books (which are, it must be pointed out, an incredible value per page), I got excited about getting my regular anthology fix. One common complaint about anthologies is that, odds are, a reader isn’t going to love every story in the book. That’s true, but in the good ones, you’re likely to find you’re getting more bang for your buck than the usual single issue comics in general, and likely at least the same value if you just count the pages you enjoyed.

While I love the unpredictability of anthologies sans-theme, like the aforementioned POPGUN and DARK HORSE PRESENTS, as well as the insane TITMOUSE MOOK, anthologies with themes also offer a great variety. Every western in OUTLAW TERRITORY is different, and even though most assume the stories in FLIGHT are all about flying, that isn’t the case — still, even the perception of a theme might help some folks give a book a shot.

The short story is such a great format in all mediums, and anthologies are a terrific way to get your short story fix. Next time you’re at a book store or in a comic chop, give an anthology a shot.

Here are some comic book anthologies I dig:

• POPGUN 1 – 4 (of course, I mean, c’mon)
• DARK HORSE PRESENTS (on issue 6 as of this writing)
• OUTLAW TERRITORY 1 – 2
• FLIGHT 1 – 7
• TITMOUSE MOOK 1
• WEDNESDAY COMICS
• STRANGE TALES 1 – 2

If you have any recommendations not on this admittedly too-short list, please let me know, because I’m always looking for new stuff to read.

It’s not always baked goods or pastries randomly in these kitchens, either. Sometimes there are whole meals, various fruits — all sorts of food. And I’m tempted. I’m always tempted, but… where did this food come from? Who put it there and, just as importantly, why?

There are some coworkers that, well, I’m not sure I want to eat what they are making. (If you are a coworker and reading this, c’mon! Don’t be silly — I don’t mean you. You probably know who I talking about… Yep. That’s the one. … I know, right?)

Not eating is no problem of mine. I tend to eat most of what is offered to me, and, even if slightly worried in my paranoid brain, I often do partake in the random foods left in kitchens. I then also often run down the hall like the work crier, letting everyone know of the free delights, far more excited than my mostly better-paid coworkers about free scraps of food, but my excitement is such that no silly sense of pride is going to waver me from at least attempting to spread what little joy I occasionally feel.

Be that as it may, there is always a pause. It’s not just mysterious work foods. I feel this way sometimes at pot lucks. Even as a kid at church, with all these great roasts and hams and seventeen varieties of macaroni salad… I’d look around and wonder who made what. It was usually fine, but there were some folks that, to be honest, scared me. That shouldn’t be past tense. Some folks scare me, either because of the potential for inasanity we all have (me included — me ESPECIALLY), but also just general hygiene concerns and whatnot.

I don’t mean to sound like a dick here, but I’m obviously not trying to not sound like a dick, too. My thoughts aren’t particularly deep, but there are a lot of them in my big head, and they kind of roam freely. I don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but I usually question it. I wonder why that horse mouth (or, in these cases, tasty food treats) are staring me in the face. Why weren’t they eaten by their creators? (The treats, not the mouth of a horse — that’s a terrible phrase.) Sure, most people are nice, but… is there an ulterior motive? What is the potential for poison? Or, worse, random hairs in food prepared by unwashed hands? I mean, I don’t know! There’s just no way for me to know, especially when I have no idea who left the food in the kitchen or brought it to the potluck or put it on the sidewalk or — um… uh…

Screw it. That piece of pie looks mighty yummy, and it’s cheaper than going out for lunch.

It’s good to relax, and I always tell the many workaholics I know that, but when I follow my own advice, it’s weirdly stressful. I feel guilty for just hanging out. It’s silly and probably adds to the gray hairs on my head.

What could I have done instead of taking a weirdly stressful nap today? I could’ve written some stuff. Maybe cleaned the apartment. Heck, taking a jog could have been on the list.

Part of me feels like I’ve squandered my time, but that’s absurd… right? We all need lazy days once in a while, so long as it doesn’t get out of hand. Tomorrow work will resume. Instead of reading comics, or at least in addition to that, I’ll work on some. Perhaps instead of taking a nap, I’ll clean the apartment some. My car is 90% dirt, so a wash wouldn’t hurt. I’ll do that stuff instead of sitting on the couch, feeling guilty about sitting on the couch.

And instead of eating pizza for lunch… maybe I’ll get a burrito.

Looking at me, one does not normally think, “Whoa. I am talking to a karate master. This big, doughy, pale yet red-nosed fellow is a master of karate. I should tread lightly.” The most common thought is more like, “This guy clearly enjoys fried foods and cheese. He should take better care of his insides.”

When that type of thinking, true as it may be, fills my brain, I decide I’d like to pretend I’m learning karate. It’s a subtle difference, but it’s a smaller kind of lie or, if I don’t blatantly say it aloud, gentle self-delusion.

Fooling myself into thinking I’m the kind of guy who is taking it upon himself to learn the ancient and understandably feared art of karate helps me walk a little taller. At 6’3″ walking taller might seem a bit excessive, but it helps my posture. And I look like a goon when I slouch, which is unfortunately often.

Yes, like millions (thousands?) of people on this earth, I could actually learn karate. The only thing stopping me from doing so is my own laziness. But that laziness makes me who I am. And who I am is a big lazy guy who thinks it’d be cool to know karate even if I’m too lazy to actually study karate and… try.

The ending doesn’t read as positive as I’d hoped.

It’s gotten to the point that I have trouble holding a thought for more than 140 characters. On one hand, I feel very succinct of thought; on the other hand, this is a very pathetic turn of events.

It is worth noting that I have little to write about right now. Life is going along well enough, but as far as exciting tales to tell… I dunno. On the writing side of things, it’s a lot of pitches and waiting. Nothing to report since DO YOU BELIEVE IN NINJAS?, my book of ninja poetry with illustrations by Chris Moreno from Creative Guy Publishing. If you haven’t checked it out, it’s available on Amazon. I’ll also be bringing copies to the Anaheim Comic Con.

Oh, weird, that was some news, I suppose.

Also, if you’re in the LA-area, my favorite pancake place ever, THE GRIDDLE, has introduced a red velvet pancake! I mention this because I love red velvet cake, pancakes, and eating appallingly yet deliciously.

Is that it? Yeah, for now. But what a glorious image to end this on, despite the distressingly bad picture quality of my ancient camera phone.

Let’s see if I can manage to update again in less than two and 3/4 months!

It just so happened that I’d shaved for my Halloween costume. Yeah, Clark Kent AGAIN, but here’s a sample of that clean shaven face…

Now, ignore the look on my face… actually, just ignore my face entirely aside from the fact that that’s how I look after shaving with a razor and shaving cream and the whole bit.

My facial hair is one of the few manly things about me, so I was quite excited by the No Shave November possibilities. For serious, sand paper texture and 5 o’clock shadows appear moments after shaving… My hope was to have a big ol’ bushy monstrosity for all the world to fear after a month of not shaving or even trimming.

Instead…

It’s like the dang thing grew to a certain point and then stopped! This is barely different than a week’s worth of normal facial hair grooming neglect!

The moral of the story, kids, is that even my facial hair can let me down. That Sam Elliott ‘stache I was hoping to achieve for next year’s “Movember” now seems about as likely as my dream of becoming a karate expert via nothing but wishing…

Good-bye, dreams.

Sometimes they are quite distracting. Usually if there’s a pretty lady or something, then it turns to HOUSE in clown shoes, and I’m like, “Bring back the pretty lady!” right before I rear end the car in front of me.

This morning, though, there was a WHEEL OF FORTUNE one that caught my attention. I tried to find it online, but a quick search proved fruitless. It was a puzzling one…

CATEGORY:  Living things.

LETTERS: B L _ _ K  _ A T

Now, okay, Halloween is close, so we know it’s “BLACK CAT.”

But, buuuut! If one chooses an “A,” it’d show up in “BLACK” as well as “CAT,” right? So… this billboard is impossible!

It should be…

CATEGORY:  Living things.

LETTERS: B L A _ K  _ A T

Right?

I’m not a Wheel watcher, though. Am I missing something?

Aside from a life?

I sometimes decide I don’t care. Eff this health stuff, because the rules are always changing. Different doctors say different things. Eggs are good. Eggs are bad. Bacon is the devil. Bacon cures sadness. Who the hell knows? My guess is no one. New information crops up discounting the way we’ve lived, and then we have to change to the new rules until the new rules become the old rules and suddenly we’re supposed to put salt on everything and not wear condoms and ban seat belts and encourage beer and smoking.

So, a couple of weeks ago, after a blood test revealed I had crazy high triglycerides, I decided to get healthy. Then I realized through recent experience that there are some things we just can’t control and decided to eat what I want because I’m not in control of anything anyway. No reason to fake it. Might as well try to eat happiness.

But, just in case, I bought some red yeast rice and fish oil pills (for cholesterol and heart health or something). Supposed to help, the doctor suggested I should probably get some prescription for real medicine, not hippy dippy crap. But I hate the thought of having to take a pill every day, especially if one day my health insurance ends, and then what? Of course, those red yeast rice and fish oil pills aren’t cheap, and I have to take two and three of them respectively each day. So… what was my point?

One fear is that triglyceride medications like Tricor might affect the liver, which I need for my drinkin’. Oh, and alcohol raises triglycerides, so… wait.

Part of me thinks I should just get rid of all my smiles (bacon, booze, cheese, fried things) and replace them with some prescription medication that future science will probably either discount or discover causes brain bleeding or eye warts or genital disintegration or something.

I wish I didn’t know just enough to confuse me or upset me. Ignorance would be bliss. And I could enjoy it with bacon, which would be blissfully delicious.

The part of not liking getting up in the morning that I can change (as I have to go to work regardless, which is the other unlikeable part), is my alarm music. Currently it’s a “melody” on my 12-year-old girl appropriate Samsung Rant phone called “Sunny Day.” I picked this due to it’s name, which I’d hoped would translate into a g’mornin’ smile. It’s got a nice, brassy beat and a celebratory feel… and is incredibly annoying.

I think there is only one bit of music that I’d be happy with interrupting my dream time…

This would make me wake up with purpose! Gotta find that ringtone and then figure out how to download ringtones and if I can even do stuff like that on my Raaaant.

Yeah! Wakin’ up in style! Heroically!!!