Is this new? No idea. Also? No idea what this movie is about, and the teaser trailer doesn’t help me out on that count, but new Christopher Nolan movie? Yeah, I’m there.

Ooooh… cannot wait. War Machine!!!

Oh, Conan… your show makes me happy.

I love going to the movies. I mean, I love movies in general, but GOING to see a movie at a movie theater? So great.

The smell of popcorn being popped is comforting. The absolute distraction from my usual thoughts as I sit in a dark room, staring at a giant screen, no on allowed to talk, having to immerse myself into stories that have nothing to do with me can be wonderful.

Being around people can be great, sure, but being surrounded by them without the pressure of having to interact? That can be just what the doctor ordered once in a while.

Sometimes it’s kinda sad. Sometimes I’d rather not be alone at the movies, but sometimes I prefer it.

Usually it’s calming.

Oh yeah, and fun.

Why are you stuck in my head, theme from The Neverending Story??? (I haven’t seen this movie in years, yet the theme popped in my head two hours ago and has yet to vacate.)

Seriously, Limahl, I need to get some sleep, but all I can do is sing along to this creepy tune that won’t leave my brain. I’m bobbing my head and percolating and toe tapping, not laying down for bed.

Damn you, Limahl. Damn you.

Boring.

…

…

… Mmmaaaaybe I should type a little more since I called this a “review.”

Okay, I’m a big fan of Office Space and an almost as big fan of Idiocracy. King of the Hill can be pretty funny, and Beavis & Butthead definitely gave me some laughs growing up. Basically: I’m a fan of Extract writer/director Mike Judge. So, yeah, I suggested to my mom and sister that we see this movie on our “mini-vacation” to Columbus, OH.

About 30 laugh-free minutes in (with only one other person in the theatre with us), I began to feel guilty. This is what I do. I didn’t make the movie, but I like the filmmaker, read good reviews, and didn’t want to see the new Sandra Bullock movie (All About Steve), so I suggested Extract. And though I didn’t make it boring or unfunny to us, I felt bad about picking it for us.

Not sure what happened with this flick and me. I know it was low key and not going for huge laughs the whole time, but I was just not into it at all. Jason Bateman is always great. Mila Kunis is really pretty. Ben Affleck is also really pretty (even with the beard), JK Simmons is often hilarious, Dave Koechner is usually a hoot, and Kristin Wiig can be darn funny. But nothing clicked for me in this flick.

How did vanila extract, testicular damage, a dumb gigolo, and paranoid weed humor barely make me (or my mom and sister) crack a smile? Weird.

So… while visiting the family, after everyone goes to sleep way earlier than I can, I got The Spirit on discount pay-per-view to avoid “alone thinking.” Anyway, it was only $1.99, and not my money. (Sorry, Mom.) So, yeah, I decided to watch it. Here are my thoughts as I watched it. (WARNING 1: Spoilers. WARNING 2: Not a review. Seriously. Just… random thoughts. WARNING 3: Might not be readable.)

Wow. Wow wow. From the first shot, you know you’re in for a treat. A treat that requires beers. And sleep deprivation. And nothing better to do with your life.

But darn if some of the shots and angles at the opening and the very Danny Elfman-esque Batman music aren’t fairly entertaining.

Not sure what the “Lorelei Angel of Death” (Jamie King even though I wouldn’t know that just from watching the movie) stuff is all about. Something lost in the translation? And Samuel L. Jackson as The Octopus? Yikes. Eye makeup disaster.

This is one case where writer/director Frank Miller being a dirty old man helped, though. Good god did he cast pretty ladies. I think… wait… all the ladies in this are very pretty. Some ugly guys, but ALL pretty ladies. Oh, there’s Eva Mendes as Sand Saref. She was cast for her acting chops. Obviously.

All slow and oddly unengaging, though.

Triplet (multiple) villain clones are horrible. It’s Edgar from 24, but… yeah, just… just bad. Not funny.

Scarlett Johansson as Silken Floss… god, she sucks in this right from jump street. Her usually husky voice is less husky, even thought it’d work for this part.

Octopus beating the Spirit with someone’s head??? Fighting in shit? I dunno. Some of the shots are cool, but this fight scene, like the rest of the movie so far, is just so fucking boring. Do kind of enjoy the Spirit just punching Octopus over and over and over again, almost comically repetition.

Samuel L. embarrasses himself. And, contrary to his line, toilets are NOT always funny.

How can a fight scene be so fucking boring?

They just fight and fight, then go their separate ways? I do kind of like the dialog exchange at the end, with an exhausted Spirit. Kind of amusing. I think Gabriel Macht’s performance as The Spirit got a bum rap due to the overall suckiness of the movie.

The whole Lorelei “death” stuff again… I dunno.

Were there whores in Will Eisner’s The Spirit comics? There are whores in everything Frank Miller does. Whores. With asses. And breasts. Whores. Frank Miller… loves… whores.

The Spirit and Sand Seref childhood sweetheart flashbacks oddly effective. Surprisingly. But… why does The Spirit tell it all to a cat… ? And then look at the camera when he explains what he has to do?

What the fuck is the blood of Heracles stuff? And what is up with samuari Octopus?  And all the weird killing of his henchmen?

Weird Robin joke about his tight ass. Hmmm. And Miller is (or was) writing a comic called All Star Batman & Robin, The Boy Wonder. Hmmmm.

Sand Saref photocopies her ass… ??? LOL… ?

His purse snatching stopping is hilarious, thief running right into The Spirit’s fist. And the dude, “Marry me?” LOL.

That chick cop sidekick is ridiculous. Horrible. Ug.

Foot with a head… ? The Octopus makes one of his clone thugs, but it becomes a foot with a head… and a squeaky voice? “Damn weird,” as Octopus says, is… and understatement. Maybe… “stupid.” That might be the correct word.

Kind of hilarious that Spirit finds Sand Seriff via her ass photocopy.

So… pseudo-girlfriend who dated The Spirit before he died when he was Denny Colt doesn’t know The Spirit is… Denny Colt? Still… decent scene between her and her dad, the dad from The Wonder Years.

Paz Vega as a French belly dancer?

And what is up with the Nazi shit? So weird.

“Dead as Star Trek?” What kind of line is that, Octopus? I guess before the new movie, sure, but c’mon.

What’s up with Octopus and eggs?

Melting a kitty cat? Eyeballs left over… ???

Then I fell asleep. Woke up to see Samuel L. Octopus blow up and The Spirit kiss Eva.

I dunno. What’d I miss? What’d I just kind of half watch?

On a scale from “sucky” to “good,” this leans more toward “sucky” — though there was some fun.

Golly!

One of Daisy’s greatest fears on Spaced come true?

Hmmm… Now, to be honest, I kinda miss crime story Tarentino. The even bigger chinned fella than myself who brought us Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction and even Jackie Brown. That’s not to say that I don’t think Kill Bill Vol. 1 & 2 are 4 hours of a great 2 hour film or that Death Proof didn’t have a cool car chase after all the boring-ass dialog. And, yeah, I’m going to to see Inglorious Basterds because, darn it, I love going to the movies.

So! Quentin chatting about his fave movies since he first directed a feature in 1992 is pretty interesting… I love that he seems to be completely honest and doesn’t feel the need to try to select critical darlings or anything like that. Good ol’ QT.

Once I agree with: Boogie Nights (amazing movie all around in pretty much every cinematic way), Fight Club (still talking about this one — in fact, just had a discussion about it today), The Matrix (yeah, it changed the game — despite the lackluster sequels), Shaun of the Dead (simply one of my favorite good time movies), Unbreakable (brilliant, and not recognized like it should be — one of the best superhero movies of all time).

I think this video might be old, but it’s cool he did this. Reminds me of why I like good ol’ QT.

Readers, odds are you know all about Superman’s main powers. We’re talking the flight, the strength, the speed, the invulnerability, the x-ray vision. You knew about those, right? Well, there’s also heat vision, super breath (cold when needed, also can be just windy), and super hearing.

Those are a shitload of powers, aren’t they? I mean, who would want or need more?

Movie Superman, that’s who.

In Superman II, we see the debut of several new powers: astral projection (?), laser finger, and, like, teleportation or something. But the greatest, the most awe inspiring, was the never before and never again seen PLASTIC WRAP SUPERMAN THROWING “S”!!!

But a power perhaps even awe-inspiring-er happens around minute 3:08  of Superman’s “epic” uncut 9 MINUTE AND 35 SECOND fight with the Nuclear Man from Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.

What is this movie Superman ability? None other than… GREAT WALL OF CHINA REBUILDING VISION! Yes, this is an incredibly specific power. He shoots this blue laser out of his eyes that apparently rebuilds the Great Wall of China brick by brick. Does it rebuild other walls? Or just Chinese ones? We don’t know, as this ability hasn’t been sufficiently explored since for my tastes.

That’s just the best part of this slow moving battle, though. If you want to see some truly cheap visual fx and experience how unkind the mid- to late-80s were to the Superman movie franchise, watch the whole thing! (Also worth noting: wind in space.)

It’s been many years since these movies let us know of the Plastic Wrap Throwing “S” and Great Wall of China Rebuilding Vision, but Superman comic book lore has yet to accept these Superman powers. Where would we be if the comics hadn’t adopted Super-flying? (From the Fleischer Studio cartoons of the 1940s.) Or his vulnerability to Kryptonite? (From the radio serial, devised when the voice-actor who played Superman wanted to take a vacation.)

All I know is: if Super-boy-man had thrown a plastic “S” or rebuilt a wall with eye lasers in Superman Returns instead of just being a peeping Tom on skinny Lois and lifting heavy things, the Superman Returns Again would already be out by now.