There was a time when I thought I had to follow the standard rules of life that most of we first world human types have set for ourselves over the years. Get born, go to school, learn to play the tuba, get a job, get another job, get some other job, get hitched, get fat, spawn some younglings, get another job, get old, retire, get fatter, get some part-time job because no one can really retire anymore, and die.

That’s the way of life as I have always understood it. And that’s fine. No problem. That’s the route I’ve been on since the time what I escaped the womb.

But then I done remembered something. Something that could change the entire course of this silly old life. And that something is this:

I can fucking play the tuba.

You know how rock stars can do what they want and are better than regular people? Well, imagine how badass and special a tuba player in a rock band is. Some bands have done it, but they’re usually kinda kitschy and funny in some way (typed without any real research or knowledge of tuba players in rock bands). I love that, but come on, in order to get out of the doldrums of life, I’m not talking about novelty or even ska-tinged stuff. I’m talkin’ full-blown, Rolling Stones rock. I’m talking super rock stardom that will result in having songs in a Rockband game one day.

What if, instead of a bass guitar, a band had a tuba on bass? Again, it’s probably happened before, but what if that tuba bass player is ME? Hell, for ultimate live band performance rocking, I’ll sling a sousaphone over my shoulder. Jump up and down and do karate kicks with the rest of the band. I’ll blow and blat that bass line better than any regular old bass guitarist can imagine.

Once I re-remember how to play the tuba (because, okay, maybe I haven’t played since high school)… and raise about two thousand bucks to get a solid sousaphone — nah, hell, maybe closer to 7K to get me one of those snazzy, silver deals instead of a fiberglass one (maybe Kickstarter it up or something) — and then… and then I form a band, which will entail getting a Mick Jagger-esque lead singer and some Eddie Van Halen-style guitar action and Keith Moon reincarnated on drums and then, um, write some songs and get a record deal, and, yeah. It’ll work. And once it works I will be a sousaphone bass player jammin’ tuba style, leather pants wearin’ rock god. I will be king shit of fuck mountain.

So, the plan is pretty solid.

This is old… well, internet old. But it makes me laugh, and just in case my reader hasn’t seen it yet, I want to share… Because it makes me laugh. It makes me laugh way too much. One minor complaint, but I don’t want to spoil it, so I’ll complain below.

Don’t spoil the magic by reading my deep, insightful criticism of this near-perfect amalgam of comedy, R&B, country, and hot, hot sexiness… Watch that video up there, then read below… For reals, now.
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Okay, so this is a song chronicling the beautifully erotic love affair between Andy Samburg and an alternate-reality Reba McEntire. I wish it’d just gone on like this was just Reba, not some homeless dude that found a wig. Though I do kind of like the conflicting realities of the song… still, it’d be even more surreal if they just insisted this was the real Reba.

I’ve given this too much thought, I know.

Do you ever watch CSI: Miami? The one with the ginger dude who should be living in a swampy bog somewhere, not in a sunny place like Miami? I don’t. I don’t know anyone who does. Yet it’s, I think, the most watched show in the world.

Do you ever wish you were Paul Rudd? Because I do. Not all the time, but sometimes. Well, all the time, but I don’t THINK about it all the time. He’s just so damn funny — and also, by most standards, handsome. Funny AND handsome? What the hell? That’s absurd. So, I kind of want to BE him. But then I get lost watching him in movies and think… do I want to BE him? Or be WITH him? Am I in love with Paul Rudd? Suddenly my world is all topsy turvy. Dammit, Paul Rudd! Ya’ got me all confused!

Do you ever think you should know more about the real world? I wish that sometimes. I know about comics and movies and whatnot — even comics I haven’t read and movies I haven’t seen. But do I know about that healthcare bill stuff? No. And I should because I need some healthcare! And, what, is the environment still in trouble? Or are we not worrying about that anymore? What about cell phones? Do they cause brain tumors? I don’t know! I do know that Dick Grayson is now Batman in the comics. How does that help me?

Do you ever feel sorry for Brandon Routh? He’s the guy that played Superman in Superman Returns. Man, when word of that movie first came out, everyone was so excited. You know who was probably most excited? Brandon Routh. An unknown actor cast in a HUGE movie from a famous director — playing the greatest superhero — no! The greatest fictional character of all time. Stardom was just around the corner. Then the movie… didn’t tank or anything, but it didn’t do well enough. No one was fired up about it. Now many people downright hate it. And where is Brandon? He’s still acting, but he’s not a huge star. I just kind of feel sorry for him.

Do you ever wonder why the hell you feel sorry for Brandon Routh? I do! I mean, he’s doing fine. He’s handsome, married to a cute lady, acting steadily. I’m the asshole with no steady paycheck, typing silly blogs in bed at 1:07 PM on a Tuesday afternoon when I should be working on stuff that pays or something. Who am I to pity Brandon Routh? He doesn’t need my pity!

Do you ever wish you could travel through time and  set your younger self on a better track? You know I wish this, people. My answer has been “yes” to all of my questions (except for the CSI: Miami one). Man, I mean, I’m doing okay, but there are so many dumb choices I made that… if only a future version of me had told me to zig instead of zag a couple of times. I might be wearing a tie right now. Married? Maybe. I dunno. Rich? Possibly. And how selfish is that? All the things that could be done with time travel, and I’m just thinking of myself. Dammit, lack of time travel!

Do you ever think you could be a great dancer if you just relaxed? I totally could be, man. Not a bad dancer now, but… I could be so great. Graceful, even. If I could just relax.

Apparently I missed a Swell Season here in Hell A recently. I liked Once and also saw them at this music festival called Bonnaroo and found them to be delightful. Adding to the delights in this clip is Jason Segel, he of Forgetting Sarah Marshall and How I Met Your Mother (on which he plays a character named Marshall. Wacky.) fame, who sings a fun little song he done wrote about sleeping with Swell Season fans and the size of his penis among other things. He gives out a phone number that he claims to be his, too, so interested folks should call it — but “only if you’re disease free”…