In celebration of the release of AMELIA COLE AND THE HIDDEN WAR tomorrow, all 6 issues of AMELIA COLE AND THE UNKNOWN WORLD are only 99 cents today through Thursday, May 9th!

* The “s” is there assuming that someone other than me reads this. If not, I have one reader, and that is me, which is very bleak. Very bleak indeed.**

** Last part of the second sentence and the entirety of the third sentence typed in an exaggerated Michael Caine voice.***

*** Also known as know as simply “a Michael Caine voice.”

When I realized I had to skip my day off plans (that, again, to be clear, would’ve been more work than my actual work day), I’d already started brewing coffee — not the norm, as I usually drink the free coffee at the office. I vowed then and there not to let anything force me to waste my own hard earned coffee!

With some curses and swear words, I jumped in the shower and proceeded to clean myself far quicker than usual. During the shower, my phone rang, and I figured it was the coworker I tried to call, but I couldn’t answer due to the water falling on my head (via the shower). As I wrapped that task up and pulled the shower curtain back, I wondered if I’d forgotten to wash or rinse anything, but I didn’t think so. Time (and future itching) would tell.

As I frantically tried to dry off while checking my voicemail. As suspected, it was my coworker. I called, and the conversation proved to be fruitless, as he, despite being a good person, could not help me. My rushed and curse-filled getting ready for day job work continued apace.

No time for shaving, I robed and hurried to my room to slap on some clothes. Since I don’t have many options this went pretty quick.

Then it was a mumbly, swear-filled jaunt to the kitchen where I spilled coffee everywhere, cursed some more, but was then able to get enough to fill a cup and get to my bird crap-covered car.

I was only twenty minutes late for work by this point, which would’ve made me early by most standards. Traffic was lighter than when I usually leave for work, so I got there quicker than expected, arriving only about forty minutes late — which might put me in contention for a manager position.

As I hopped out of my car and started toward the elevator, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I’d forgotten something. I sipped my coffee, and… uh oh.

DID I BRUSH MY TEETH???

Normally I do this after the shower, but I was returning a phone call, so… oh man. This was (and still is) bad. The coffee taste was either blocking fresh minty breath or… horrible hellhound morning breath. I had no way of knowing. Would others? Would my teeth fall out? Why don’t I have a toothbrush and toothpaste at work anymore? I used to, darn it! I USED TO!

As I type this, I’m still drinking my coffee and still not sure if my teeth were brushed… though I’m leaning toward a “no.” If my luck continues apace, any moment a potential lady of my dreams is going to talk to me and get a whiff of my unbrushed teeth breath and write me off forever.

About forty-three years after that, another kid from Cleveland, OH (well, a suburb called Elyria) pretty much wanted to wear Superman Underroos with long johns, boots, and a cape 24/7.

By way of an explanation, let me back up a bit. You see, today I walked from my in-place-putting hallway desk into my managers’ office. In said office, aside from my managers themselves, is a Spider-Man’s head-shaped candy bowl. Inside the faux-Spidey-skull is, well, just a lot of candy.

I initially went for a mini-Twix, but then deemed it too small for my mouth. Instead of grabbing another mini-Twix to make a decent-sized-Twix (or, say, putting the candy down and getting an apple), a mini-Snickers bar caught my eye, and — you know what? I didn’t really need to back up at all, did I? The act of putting a mini-Snickers bar and mini-Twix bar in my mouth at the same time is it’s own explanation.

Like it says in the Constitution of the United States of America, combining foods can be awesome, especially when the foods in question are chocolate-based candies. Common knowledge to anyone who knows even a modicum of history.

On a related note, I’ve been trying to lose weight for a few months now, partly at my doctor’s advisement, partly due to my money-saving desire to not outgrow my current pants size have to buy new pants. It’s been going pretty well, surprisingly.

My technique is to eat, well, less. Still eat. Eat plenty, really. Just eat decent-sized instead of HUGE meals with less fried things and whatnot. It works most of the time, but once in a while I snap and do things like put a mini-Snickers and mini-Twix bar into my mouth at the exact same time, my only regret being that they are mini and not full-sized.

11:18am UPDATE – The great Adam P. Knave has provided the internets with a map to make it even easier to find me at ECCC this weekend…