Whatcha up to, Bon Jovi?

Sometimes I wonder, I wonder what Jon Bon Jovi is up to. In my daydreams, as I zone out from my boring daily life of living boringly each day, I occasionally drift away from the day-to-day boredom of reality… just let my mind drift and wander to where it’d really rather be.

And where it’d rather be is in the body, or head rather, of Jon Bon Jovi.

No! Wait. Um… I don’t want to possess Jon Bon Jovi or have some sort of brain transplant with him, for that would curse one of the rockingest musical heroes of our age to suffer in the failing body of, well, me. That wouldn’t be fair.

Still, I do kinda wonder what JBJ (“J” for “Jon,” “B” for “Bon,” and “J” for “Jovi”) is up to while I’m toiling away in the bowels of pointlessness for just enough money to scrape by. Is he wearing red and black leather pants with gold highlights? Is that just cas (short for “casual”) to him? Or has he outgrown the red and black leather pants with gold highlights look? Does he ever miss it?

There has to be a lot of pressure, despite being super successful, to replicate the glory of the Slippery When Wet days. It’s not like New Jersey or Keep The Faith were slouches, but… c’mon. “You Give Love A Bad Name.” “Livin’ On A Prayer.” “Wanted Dead Or Alive.” WANTED FUCKING DEAD OR ALIVE, PEOPLE! Just that song alone secures JBJ and the rest of the band a spot in Rock Valhalla.

Okay, I have to come clean. I’m now still really actually wondering what it’d be like to actually be Jon Bon Jovi. Especially mid to late 80s era Jon Bon Jovi. It must’ve been awesome. The whole Bon Jovi team (I see them as even more of a team, perhaps a superhero team than a mere band) rocked out what is arguably their most amazing music, and, c’mon… they looked AWESOME.

Can you imagine what it must’ve been like to be those guys back in those days of rocking in amazing style? To be David Bryan, Alec John Such, Richie Sambora, JBJ, and Tico “The Hitman” Torres. Yes, they’re still doing great (well, not sure about Alec, as he’s not in the band anymore, but, well, I hope he’s swell), and, yes, they still sell lots of records, but I don’t know who is buying them. Lots of people, sure, but the Bon Jovi in the above picture is the Bon Jovi about which I daydream.

Why, I bet even JBJ himself, richer in nearly every single way a person can be rich than I could ever imagine, still looks at pictures from this era and wishes he and his pals could still rock that look. And what a look to rock. My word. These fellas were not messin’ around.

Shit. I really do wish I was Jon Bon Jovi. No lie. No offense to anyone who actually likes me, but I’d rather be Jon Bon Jovi. You’d probably like me better if I was Jon Bon Jovi, likers of me. Admit it. I’m not lyin’, so you shouldn’t lie either.

Let’s rock this blog out like it should be rocked out…

Run and tell that.

Stolen Dishes & Consequences

A real email some asshole (me) sent to all the employees of a company that once employed him:

[COMPANY NAME REDACTED], and, indeed, all of [PARENT COMPANY NAME REDACTED], has been going green for some time now, and that’s wonderful, as we all live on this planet, so best not to destroy it. One of the ways we’re doing this is by using less disposable kitchen items. As such, many of us bring in our own utensils, mugs, bowls, and plates.

However, if you did not bring your own, say, bowl or spoon into the office, consider not using one that just happens to be in the kitchen, as logic dictates that was brought in by someone else. Yes, we could label our kitchenware, perhaps with markers or even colorful stickers for maximum fancifulness, but consider this: if you didn’t bring in a particular kitchen item, you know it’s not yours — whether it’s labeled or not.

Now, one or two (or some higher number) pantries allegedly stock kitchenware for anyone to use, but not all of them, which causes the classic comedy trope of confusion. If you are not sure if the kitchenware in your nearest pantry is for everyone but are in dire need of a bowl or spoon or even a fork, then at least wash and return the borrowed items as soon as you are finished with them.

This kitchenware nightmare hit home this very morning as I prepared to eat my Trader Joe’s oatmeal only to discover the vessel in which I would make it (my bowl) and the tool I’d use to get the oatmeal from said bowl to my mouth (my spoon) had both disappeared from the kitchen, where they were drying after I washed them yesterday.

It’s pretty disappointing to have to say this, but, here goes… Please don’t take stuff that doesn’t belong to you.

Believe in your dreams (even though they’ll never come true),
D.J. Kirkbride
Drone, Sector 7G

The postscript to this is that my bowl and spoon were never returned. This caused me to not just use disposable eating utensils, plates, cups, and bowls in retaliation but to ONLY use disposable eating utensils, plates, cups, and bowls in retaliation in an effort to actually destroy the earth. It got to the point where I’d use a different spoon for every bite of cereal. It was insane! And, as alluded to in the title of this post, there were consequences…

All of this could’ve been avoided, bowl and spoon thief. It didn’t have to go down this way.

Where Have I Been???

Boy oh boy, it’s been a long time since I’ve posted on this site. WHO do I think I am? WHAT have I been doing? WHEN will I start writing more regularly? WHERE have I been? And WHY have I been WHERE ever I’ve been and WHAT was I doing there and WHO was I with? There are several theories, but I’m not sure if any of them are true…

1. In the over two months since I wrote my last post, I just started living like a rockstar. For no logical reason, as I am not, in fact, a star of rock. Irregardless, the regular sociatal norms ceased to pertain to me, which lead to booze (okay, cough syrup), drugs, leather pants, and some unbelievable karate adventures.

2. I decided to give back to my community. Unfortunately, instead of behaving like a regular human, perhaps volunteering at a soup kitchen or cleaning the side of a highway or building some houses, I figured my best contribution would be to become a costumed vigalante. This has to do probably with my love of comics and lack of brain logic. I’ve just now been released from the ICU. Sadly, those punks still got that old lady’s purse. And my “Super D.J.” costume is a damn mess.

3. A steady stream of Kraft Mac & Chee. Just shoveling that stuff in my maw for two damn months. Overdose on orange cheese powder. The amount of margerine in my bloodstream is unheard of, and I’m lucky to be alive. If can you call this mac & cheese delirium living.

4. All of the above.

5. None of the above.

Yeah, I’m keeping it all mysterious like. One things for sure, though: I need to redesign this site some. It’s so ugly. Another thing’s for sure, though, also: redesigning my little-known website would be such a waste of time when there are so many more productive things I should be doing. (Comic book pitches, Ninja Poetry Book writing, weapons training, gold lamé pants shopping.)

But I just wanted to check in, since I’m still paying for this URL and all that. Maybe next time I’ll write about SOMEthing.

Love,

D.J.