I’m not a Wheel watcher, but…

So, those new digital billboards next to the roads in LA and some other parts of AMERICAISTHEBEST are great. It’s like watching TV except — oh shit! I’m at the wheel of a moving car under my control!

Sometimes they are quite distracting. Usually if there’s a pretty lady or something, then it turns to HOUSE in clown shoes, and I’m like, “Bring back the pretty lady!” right before I rear end the car in front of me.

This morning, though, there was a WHEEL OF FORTUNE one that caught my attention. I tried to find it online, but a quick search proved fruitless. It was a puzzling one…

CATEGORY:  Living things.

LETTERS: B L _ _ K  _ A T

Now, okay, Halloween is close, so we know it’s “BLACK CAT.”

But, buuuut! If one chooses an “A,” it’d show up in “BLACK” as well as “CAT,” right? So… this billboard is impossible!

It should be…

CATEGORY:  Living things.

LETTERS: B L A _ K  _ A T

Right?

I’m not a Wheel watcher, though. Am I missing something?

Aside from a life?

Super Disguise!

Aside from disbelief that anyone could do good just for the sake of helping others, the biggest Superman criticism is his secret identity disguise. Namely: the glasses.

As you can see in the panel that below (found by Jessi Reid while interwebbing, though we’re not sure from what particular comic book it was taken), even Super Clark has questioned his chosen disguise — though the bigger issue, in my opinion, is his pajama fashion…

But instead of complaining about it, ol’ Supes should try to find some better way to have a secret identity. A better disguise… Now, depending on your take, either Superman is the disguise or Clark Kent is. Since the glasses are the complaint, I’m going to go with Clark being the disguise.

And here’s my solution… the ONLY solution:

You’re welcome, Superman.

Now go buy some new PJ’s…

Mixed Messages For My Health

This morning I had scrambled egg whites (for my heart) and breakfast potatoes (for my taste buds). Oh… and bacon. Does that defeat the point of the egg whites? Do they balance each other out? I always order bacon last. I have the good intentions, then… dammit, bacon.

I sometimes decide I don’t care. Eff this health stuff, because the rules are always changing. Different doctors say different things. Eggs are good. Eggs are bad. Bacon is the devil. Bacon cures sadness. Who the hell knows? My guess is no one. New information crops up discounting the way we’ve lived, and then we have to change to the new rules until the new rules become the old rules and suddenly we’re supposed to put salt on everything and not wear condoms and ban seat belts and encourage beer and smoking.

So, a couple of weeks ago, after a blood test revealed I had crazy high triglycerides, I decided to get healthy. Then I realized through recent experience that there are some things we just can’t control and decided to eat what I want because I’m not in control of anything anyway. No reason to fake it. Might as well try to eat happiness.

But, just in case, I bought some red yeast rice and fish oil pills (for cholesterol and heart health or something). Supposed to help, the doctor suggested I should probably get some prescription for real medicine, not hippy dippy crap. But I hate the thought of having to take a pill every day, especially if one day my health insurance ends, and then what? Of course, those red yeast rice and fish oil pills aren’t cheap, and I have to take two and three of them respectively each day. So… what was my point?

One fear is that triglyceride medications like Tricor might affect the liver, which I need for my drinkin’. Oh, and alcohol raises triglycerides, so… wait.

Part of me thinks I should just get rid of all my smiles (bacon, booze, cheese, fried things) and replace them with some prescription medication that future science will probably either discount or discover causes brain bleeding or eye warts or genital disintegration or something.

I wish I didn’t know just enough to confuse me or upset me. Ignorance would be bliss. And I could enjoy it with bacon, which would be blissfully delicious.

Waking Up Right

Look, as I wrote a couple days ago, I have issues with waking up in the morning. So many so, that I slept through yesterday. A whole day! I guess my 7:00 AM alarm went off for a while, then stopped… then went off again at 7:00 AM this morning, and it stirred me from my epic slumber. And even after a whole extra and unplanned 24 hours of sleepytime — I still groaned and grumbled about getting out of my slightly too short for my body length bed!

The part of not liking getting up in the morning that I can change (as I have to go to work regardless, which is the other unlikeable part), is my alarm music. Currently it’s a “melody” on my 12-year-old girl appropriate Samsung Rant phone called “Sunny Day.” I picked this due to it’s name, which I’d hoped would translate into a g’mornin’ smile. It’s got a nice, brassy beat and a celebratory feel… and is incredibly annoying.

I think there is only one bit of music that I’d be happy with interrupting my dream time…

This would make me wake up with purpose! Gotta find that ringtone and then figure out how to download ringtones and if I can even do stuff like that on my Raaaant.

Yeah! Wakin’ up in style! Heroically!!!

Waking Up Is Hard To Do

Ah! It’s 8:08 AM! I’m just out of bed now even though I done set my alarm for 7:00 AM! Hurry, hurry, work, work work workworkhurrywork!

Nearly every single damn morning. How is it my body’s infernal clock isn’t used to this, huh? Makes not a lick of sense. Like most of us, I’ve had to wake up at a certain time that is earlier than I seem to want to wake up for about all of my life. Yet it’s still a struggle.

The onlines (also known as the interwebnets) has some tips on waking up on time. Various sites saying about the same things with the same amusing lack of profundity or helpfulness.

1. Get enough sleep. Oh, really? So, wait… to not be tired, I just need to sleep more. Perfect! Thanks, experts!

2. Go to sleep at the same time every night. I kind of do… It’s just that that same time is kind of late.

3. Don’t drink to fall asleep. Um… that’s stupid advice. It’s like saying don’t drink to smile.

4. Avoid eating before bed. This is just inaccurate. Hasn’t science accepted the concept of “tummy tiredness.” A surefire way to sleep is to eat lots. Combining this and what they say not to do in step 3 is about the only way I ever drift off to night-night.

5. Think differently than D.J. Kirkbride. Ah, there you go. Here it is. Yep. Don’t let your brain be like mine. That is sound advice.

6. Put your alarm clock in a place where you have to get out of bed to turn it off. Ah, this is interesting advice. And the sound of a good alarm is something you can’t sleep through because, well, onto number 7…

7. Choose a really annoying alarm. I do have that. I mean, anything gets annoying when it’s an alarm waking you up for a day of cubicle sitting, but this one “melody” on my crap cell phone really does the trick… until I turn it off and go back to sleep.

8. Be a responsible adult and just get up. Ah… hm. Uh. Hmph.

Anyway, eight is enough since, due to my not waking, I should really be in a rush to get to work, not writing a bloggy thing for reasons unknown.

Maybe… maybe tomorrow I’ll have a chipper morn. There’s always tomorrow. Until the aliens come back to reclaim their pet planet.